Emotional Post read at your own discretion

There's days when I felt like shit from start but there are also days when i felt like shit at midday..... and the worst of all today is the day I felt like shit before going to bed.

I havent finished studying..... the stuff I wanted to study

Not that I cared anyway because I had enough of caring. The more I cared the more things turned out the other way than the way I had wished it to be.

It had been known to me....

My insecurities as a human being.... as a living person........

I had never faced a situation like this before how'd you'd expect me to act????

The world seem so out of place. Everything is so rotten. Everything is so full of deceit and trickery that I had stopped looking out for them and just step into their trap for it was pointless to resist anyway.

tell me why God put me on Earth?

Is it to fade away my existence into the background watching how everyone make it while I remain behind? Or just to play my part on this stage called Earth then be tossed out like trash like it never had a significant value from the start.

god I am so confused.

My heart had never been so easily broken before now is breaking apart like it was its nature to do so.

My feelings that I had controlled for the years flowed out of me like there wasn't a barrier to begin with.

When this change happen? because I have no record of it in my mind.

Looking at people around me. Content with what they have makes me sick to the core........
Content with something so........ useless..... pointless.
What the hell are they thinking anyway?!

Fine, I am done caring. The more I care the more it backfires on me.
Goodness repaid with kindness?

Yea right! Hah! The only payment you get for being a good guy is being stepped on. And overlooked.

Everyone around me is so fake.
So fake that it sickens me.

I can't even find refuge in God anymore because God seemed so distant......
"Open my heart and I shall receive"
But after that day, I had closed my heart to the world and placed a fake it its place.

A heart full of sadness and regret, masked by happiness and cheerfulness. with each passing day, my real heart rots away....... intwined in the vines of hopelessness, insecurities and futility that no mater how I try..... no matter how hard I struggle........... it will still end up in the same results.


Whatever....... I don't care anymore.
I am too tired to care anymore.
And things around me is not worth my energy and time to care anymore.

My own way, my own path. Nobody in the way..... just me and the trail ahead.

if I have to pay everything I own to return my innocence and for this fog of ignorance to cloud my eyes again......

Hmph. Is that even a need for thought?

I'd pay it gladly.

Happy Birthday Chris! 19 is a good age... well i think

Dude, Happy 19th Birthday dude.

Too bad I cant celebrate it with you but hopefully we will have a chance next year or the year after.
And sorry man, no presents also this year.

But, I just want to say Thanks dude for being there for me through thick and thin and for the many memories that you had given me...... and equivalent pain and humiliation as well (mainly Call of Duty 4). Hah, truth be said I was kinda missing you already when everytime I went back to Kuching or everytime I drove out to Hui Sing Garden.

Well, Kuching just lost some of its colour without you here to paint colours into them.
Yea, I know that sounded really gay and stuff but heck, I will say it anyway.

Gaming too just ain't that fun anymore without you around.
Now with Caleb going to australia, its just Broseph, Piaw and me.
COD4 with 3 people? Aint really fun.

Just now around 8pm I was at another friends birthday party well..... somewhat of a friend la... more like a acquaintance. Well, kinda wished that it was your party that I was in and I'd be the one hosting it. Well, I guess your buddies in Kent would probably do a better job than me anyway since I cant play poker, DotA nor drink beer. I only game and can be quite boring to hang out with.

But you still did hang out with me anyway. And that I am really grateful, bro.

I have yet to meet someone who is like you and I probably wont. People ain't that fun to hang around here.......... all they do is study (or I am just a bore to be around with with my crappy lame jokes..... well I know just who is the better lame joke teller here). And well can be stressful and I am still coping though I seem to be breaking by the seams already.

Hey, by the way, how's university life's been treating ya? Once you get a gal man you'd better tell me or heads will roll.

Damn man, I cant even write a birthday wish in peace..... got disconnected twice while writing this. I am getting sick and tired of this dump......

Anyway, dude for all the things that you had done for me unseen and seen I thank you dude. If I had said anything wrong in the past I hope you'd let bygones be bygones. Wish you have a wonderful year ahead of you and be successful at everything you do.

All the best Dude. Happy Birthday!
Your friend and always will be,
Hilary